cheezy post

It's so interesting to ponder back to when Pepe was born, the immediate love and connection I felt, and the change in the quality of love as he developed his own personality and I developed (still am) my parenting style... The initial love was mostly protective. I remember holding Pepe and feeling that he is so fragile and frail and vulnerable. I don 't think I would have been able to give Pepe a bath for quiet a bit, have mom not been with us. I remember the first bath, how she held Pepe, face down, with one hand, and used a cloth with the other, talking with him the entire time, how amazed I was at her ease, and how clumsy I felt. And Chris, with his shaking hands and big smile everytime he would look or hold Pepe. The next phase started when I got back to work, Pepe 2 months old. The love was visceral. I would look at the pictures on the internet between patients, and wipe a tear or two, reminding myself why I had to work. As Pepe developed, the love turned into pride - for his looks, for his charm, for his wit. I began to see myself and Chris and my family in him.

I remember growing up and how there were times when I would not be able to understand why my parents chose to give us kids "food rarities" rather than sharing them equally among the 4 of us... I remember my mom telling me many times that "I would understand it later". I certainly don't have to deprive myself of food for Pepe, but there are deprivations that come with parenthood, and responsibilities that seem heavy at times, and there is getting used to loving someone more than I love myself, and the feeling that I would do anything for Pepe, to help prepare him for a healthy and joyful life.

I don't really know what the purpose of this post was. Maybe is that I miss Pepe, who is in New Castle with Chris for a couple of days, and the house is so quiet, and I got to ponder a bit about life prePepe and how I used to fill up my days....Miss ya, little guy!